SOBERING MOMENT: Eight Months to say 'Goodbye"

Okay, I completely realize the last time I posted was July 19th. And in that time, I have consumed a lot of alcohol. I have tried nose candy. I now own a Christmas themed pair of bowls (not the fruit bearing kind). I have been the model son.

I have to be honest about my first attempts at quitting drinking and any kind of substance usage. I wasn't an alcoholic by any means (maybe 2 or 3 nights a week). I never purchased drugs in my life (only used it if it were at a party). I pretended I was quitting for health reasons, physical. But I learned it was purely because of mental health reasons.

I dated a Mormon boy. He dumped me. I was trying to impress him.

ATTEMPT #2: How this time will be DIFFERENT

1. I'm not doing it to impress anyone. Not ANYONE.
2. I'm actually thinking that it will help me be THINNER.
   
3. I've quit my band, no more playing in bars.
4. I'm on unemployment. No $$$ = No Drinkies.

and most importantly #5. I'm going to do it as a tribute to my father. My father was in remission for two years and well... it's back. I can't pronounce it, but it's cancer in his nose and surrounding areas. Last time he had it, radiation left him unable to taste anything. He was only able to distinguish food in four categories: hot, cold, soft, hard.

Needless to say, my father and I have had a tumultuous relationship over the years (gay son + Asian dad = drama = CLICHE). I love him very much but I still have a very hard time showing it. Especially now he has a doomist outlook on this new round of chemo and radiation, I can't be present. I can't bring myself to entertain the idea of losing my father. It's 60% selfish and 40% something else I can't yet name.

But as I think of nights where my mother loses sleep over my father's health issues, I feel 100% selfish. My mother needs to drive my father to chemo/radiation 5 days a week for the next 7 weeks, make him dinner, work her 50+hours, watch over him as he sleeps and monitor his health; How can I bring myself to have endless amounts of alcohol and party frivolously? I can barely return a phone call on most days.

I'm not a runner. I hate cardio. I don't run away from my problems. I just sit and hide in a cloud of burnt hemp, beer goggles on, and sit perfectly still. I pontificate and intellectualize the problems until they are surreal and emotionless. Then try to sleep it off.

Some may criticize that this blog is a way of not dealing with my family falling apart from illness and distance. I would say they were correct. But at least it's constructive.

I haven't had a drink in days, but I'm content with saying that today is Day One: Here's to you, Dad.