The Evolution of the "Fair-Weather" Friend: "My-Spouse-Is-Away" Friend

So this isn't blog related but it's part of my general musings.... If you need a tie-in....
DAY 11.5: Bitch and Complain on Facebook.... while SOBER.

DISCLAIMER: I'm sure I will be revered by the singles around the city and hated by those who use every fiber of their being to love another. For those of my friends and family in loving relationships, I must make it clear that I am sincerely happy for you. And for the most part, this does not apply to my closest of friends. But if you get angry at this entry, I ask, "Why? Do you feel guilty?"

Recently, my phone has been blowing up! Text messages, voicemails, picture texts, you name it. I'm so popular. My inbox has been cluttered with more than event invitations from people I don't know. To my DELIGHT, I have found messages from friends I have not seen in weeks, months, years even.... The duration of which is directly related to how long this friend of mine has been involved in an intimate relationship.
I undestand that it takes time to develop a relationship. I get that. I understand that once you found your love, you want to spend every waking moment with them. I get that. I understand that this person in you life takes priority. I get that. BUT myself and the rest of your friends are collecting dust here!

So, I get these desperate phone calls. "Hey what are you doing this weekend?" "What are you doing tomorrow?" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?!?!?!" I feel completely wanted and can't wait to see my friends......then I noticed a common theme thanks to theri facebook status updates....

"I'm missing my honey"20 wall-to-walls "Enjoy Antarctica, Lovebucket""5 day, 11 hours, 22 minutes, 1.8457435 seconds til you come home to me"
.....wait..... am I the replacement girlfriend? am I your bro only when your husband is away? Holy Cabooses!

Nope. The truth is, I am the unfortunate victim of a "My-Spouse-Is-Away" Friend. We all have one or two of them. They pop into our lives at moments of convenience, but for who, one can only guess. But no worries! Eventually they will sink deeper and deeper into coupledom that seperation is non-option, your inbox shall be spared.

I have many great friends who are happily married, engaged, in long term relationships and I spend time with them together and apart. So YES, there are exceptions! I'm encouraging everyone to be that exception in their lives! Be the fun couple that people can't wait to have at their parties. Be the couple that evenly round out every game of bowling by being split up at the lanes. Be the couple that still enjoy exclusive Girl's Night Out (Gays, I mean you). Be the couple that people love to love instead of the couple that people are too bored with to even hate. Be the couple that is not remembered as a couple but as two individuals who uniquely and individual enrich the lives of the people around them.

By being with someone you love, I hope that you choose to share your life completely with your partner. But sharing your life does not mean that two lives become one. Does it? That's my plan at least (perhaps I'm doomed to be single for the rest of my life, oh well).

So may this note be found in great spirit and humor. May it prevent the birth of future "My-Spouse-Is-Away" Friends, "We-Can't-Go-Anywhere-Without-Each-Other" Friends, "I-Don't-Know-How-To Wipe-My-Own-Arse" Friends and more "Just-Plain" Friends.
Some may argue.....the phone works both ways. Touche...

Love Always,
Kelvin, your biggest Fair Weather Friend.

DAY 12: STREET CARNIVAL/BAZAAR [Our State Fair...]

I remember visiting Utah in 2007 for their state fair. But in NYC, this is the best we're going to do here, folks.

How can you resist a bright flashing teenage sex-mobile....I mean ferris wheel? Why go to a theme park when you can have the thrill of riding a potential death machine at the mercy of an carefree carney? How can you beat 6 cases of cardiac arrest for only $4?!

Simply the best. And ever entertaining. They're only in the city during the summer months, so bring $20 and it'll last you about 15 minutes at a place like this. Don't carry anything valuable and travel in packs, to avoid teen hoodlums. The danger of walking through these street carnivals themselves are half the fun! Seriously!

Mark is a carnivore.... An Italian Carnivore.

Pat and Tryst contemplate risking their lives on this monster.
Verdict: No, Thank You.

After a quick trip to the ATM I returned with my favorite night-time binge eating partner, Lauren.
Zeppoles = Fried Dough + Powdered Sugar = Fatty Fatty No Friends

REALITY BITES #2

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew. -Anonymous

Thanks to my friend Melissa Kamath for posting that as her FB status. I'm not sure what may be going on in her life but it seemed so appropriate for mine. I've been spending a lot of time trying to reclaim my life here in New York before I ship off to Denver (details to follow).

I know what used to make me laugh and smile. Those things aren't gone from my life. My friends are lovely and wonderful to be around. There have been many moments since I returned back to NYC, over a month ago, that I cherish being "home". Yet, I've continuously hit a terrible low within the past few weeks.

Example #1.... I was out with Patrick, Trystan, Mark, Lauren, and a whole slew of other Brooklynites. After a night at some bars and a bazaar (post to follow), I just decided I had enough. Barely a goodbye. "Peace, see ya". It wasn't a drunken stumble home either! I had 3 diet cokes and enough 2nd hand smoke to last me a lifetime.

Example#2.... Today, I was heading to the McCarren Park, I was planning on blogging about how beautiful my neighborhood was. I planned on visiting the shops, sitting in the park, laughing with my Jaime, my "homeslice". But because I couldn't find parking, my brain started to wander. I was fine, then the next minute I wasn't. After a half hour of driving around (I don't think I was even looking for parking anymore) I turned around and drove home. Even as I stare out the window now, it is the most beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky.

Have a finally succumbed to depression?

Some of you out there may know that I recently went through a rather short romance that ended in great heartache. I'm pretty sure I've never been in love like this before. And the best/worst part..... it was so real.

Some people wonder if this is the reason why this blog exists in the first place. Sure, if you need to a reason "why". But let me spell it out for you too....

1. I fell in love with a man who truly loves me.
2. I still love him, but he can't be with me.
3. Lots of tears.
4. I asked God how he could do this to people.
5. I tried to find purpose in all this madness.
6. I tried to write a play, finished Act 1 but got bored.
7. Blog was birthed.

My drummer Tim would now call the Wah-Bulance on me. But I don't care today. I just don't...

DAY 11: FIND THE ISLAND OF CONEY [It's like Disney but much more ghetto]

I remember last summer, I spent the day at the Brooklyn Cyclones game and enjoyed a staple of Americana, baseball. It was what I considered to be an amazing day at Coney Island. But I missed Nathan's, the boardwalk, the Cyclone, the Wonderwheel, so this time I decided to claim a memory of Coney Island that was truly inspired!

Here's what I learned.....

1. The cyclone WILL give you whiplash
2. Pee and pay the $.25 before you get on the Wonderwheel
3. 1400+ Calories for Chili Cheese Fries, and worth every calorie.
4. The beach is gross.... As are 100% of all NY Beaches.
5. Go with friends and try not to get mugged....that's the real Coney Island experience.
6. I still recommend the Cyclones game.... best $12 ever.... watch out for coupons and free give-a-way days!!!
7. Skip BEER Island!

Natalie is terrified by the Wonderwheel.... Shoulda wore depends...

1400+ Calories, and I didn't share!!!!
And I know this photo is upside down, but its still 1400 calories anyway you flip it.

Post-Cyclone- Natalie: Call Dr. Janet, my chiropractor!

After the day was done, and the sun has set, I did what any self-respecting gay man should do..... I brought my laundry home for my mother to wash... After a whole day of pounding away Nathan's and upon entering the door I get this....

Liza: "My son, you look fat. Are you HUNGRY?! Make you sometin' to eat?!?!"

.....just wash & fold woman.... Thanks, Mom.

REALITY BITES #1

Not everyday can be full great non-drinking fun. Sometimes, a person has to work, and run errands, and move boxes, and rehearse, and do a lot of BULLSH*T.

And at the end of that day....all I could ever want in the world is a nice whiskey on the rocks to cool my jets. But why? To calm my nerves? Or to numb away my responsibilities?

I don't actually have an answer but I'm very stressed and very antsy. I just couldn't sleep last night and none of my usual tricks of falling asleep worked.... warm milk, quick tug, hot shower.... But I wasn't succumbing to Tylenol PM or a glass of wine either, so now what?!

Instead, I sat up, and I stared at the wall. And I wondered, "what am I doing this for?" Again, I don't have the answers. My friends are finding me terribly boring, life isn't as adventurous as I'm making it out to be, and I'm losing focus.

But the one thing I am sure of.....Jumping off the wagon will NOT provide clarity. It didn't this weekend, it won't today....

I reserve myself to laundry then!

DAY 10: CUT THE FAT [From your closet...]

I hope not to sound too much like a TLC show, but it is time to clean the crap out of your closet [I'll resist any tempting closet jokes....].

After 3 months of being out of town, I began unpacking my boxes that I stored away for my sublet. When suddenly thought to myself, if you lived without it for 3 months, why not the rest of your life?

Preliminary Rules by which to throw things out:
1. If you haven't worn it within a year. [you get the full seasonal excuse]
2. If it's ugly.... [you tried to make it work, but give it up.]
3. If you have more than one of the same item [socks don't count]
4. If it's a size too large [never aspire to be able to fit in it again!]
5. If you have more than 100 facebook photos of your wearing the garment. [enough is enough].

Your closet should be half empty now...... and if not....

DO IT AGAIN but with these rules:
1. If it hasn't made it into your laundry rotation in 6 months
2. If you've owned it for more than 5 years
3. If it has a really tacky logo [ie. GAP, Old Navy, or worse....Abercrombie!]
4. If it's two sizes too small [let's be realistic]
5. If someone could mistaken it for a costume piece

It's not about giving away your worldly possessions. It's about clearing the clutter so you can fill your life with meaningful things.....like people and experiences. Also, for more vain reasons, it'll force your good sense of style to the surface of your wardrobe by providing a renewed sense of clarity.

Middle School: Seriously, get rid of the show t-shirts....

High School: Appropriate for the beach, but did I think it was appropriate for 8th Period English Lit?

College: I once worked at Bubba Gump. Was I planning to revisit those charming days?
The sweatshirt says it all, "stupid is as stupid does"

Day 9: FAIL [All these red-eyed Devils at play....]

Okay, I'm not going to restart the counter but as many had anticipated, I would fail my mission sooner or later. I spent the week eating well, making good choices, and on independence day, I ran 4 miles and hung out in Battery Park. And one night can destroy an entire week's worth of work. Way to go!

To quit cold turkey may be helpful for some, but it was torturous for me. The birth of our country has led to the death of my vow..... or perhaps it had provided strenghth to my vision of what I have to do. It started with a few beers at a friend's backyard party/concert. Then a night on a roof with more beer and then this morning I found receipts of liquor stores. $15 here, $30 there..... and the text message that defined my weekend....

"I am taking a drunken nap in the car. I hate myself for drinking". I have always found myself to be terrible honest when I'm drunk. This morning was miserable. Happy Independence Day indeed.....

An American Bagel.... no more delicious than others
but look how pretty!

During the fireworks, there was a competing show.... A huge fire in Brooklyn.
Emma and I went to survey the damage at a lumber yard! Eesh....

Was it worth it?